Writing Words of Great Number Does Make me Slumber! I Feel Unencumbered ….

Just me Reaching my Word Count for the Day -- and Taking You Along for the Ride (If You're up for it!)!

The tiredness I feel, the deep exhaustion seems too much for one person – when I was Amar Dev, I was supposedly connected to some community or several or several that made one and a lineage, too, and a teacher or teachers or gurus or Gurus or a Teacher and not just truth but Truth that ‘is not just a bunch of facts’ but more real than that! Only, even if I was, I guess I wasn’t! Maybe that’s why I had so much energy! I was cut free … no cords! Nothing connecting me! No weight of the generations on my shoulders that I remember specifically coming back to me at the Co-op in downtown Albuquerque, right there near the corner where the recycled glasses from Spain were … where I bought my two plates that wait in my cup-board, that I forget about and of course almost never – no, completely never! – use anymore … where I was told I was not ‘traditionally beautiful’ because I wasn’t tall and didn’t have blonde hair, where I was told that if I’d broken bread with this Yemenite Rasta I was hanging out with in those days, that it meant something …. It was an interesting world! I was friends with both him and his ex-wife, walking with her as she walked her – well, their, I guess! – baby in a stroller, after whatever gathering that was, me wearing something on my head even when I’d stopped with the turban for a time, still covering my hair-not-head with a hat or a wrap or something, and being saluted in that Rasta way of pounding the fist twice in a row on the heart and then putting it up declaratively until I knew what it meant and could emulate it, as if that meant I believed in it or knew more deeply what it meant, had perhaps experienced the community of the church that is made up of any five Rastas together, perhaps had smoked the ganja that seems (Is?) so important to them, and beyond that, I don’t really know what! Oh, wait. I do remember – Hailie Selassie! Ethiopia! By way of Jamaica. Bob Marley? Always? For everyone? My friend’s daughter who travelled regularly with his family and told me they always have someone travel with them to taste every single meal they eat, because so many people want to poison them …. It surely was a different world I inhabited in New Mexico than I do here in Rockville! No wonder I don’t feel like the same person – no wonder I am ripped apart and shredded constantly! Who can see me? Only God can see me! Who knows what I’ve done, who I’ve been or been with? Nobody can even stand to hear it! When I try to talk about myself, I’m told that I need to go to ‘therapy.’ Ugh! So, how do I count the so-called ‘therapists’ I’ve seen? How do I count the harm done to me by them? How do I convey that to a world that so believes in and never questions it? A world can be a person, a person has become my world – she’s wanted and tried to help me and now I have had to respond by becoming a fugitive and I’ve started to write a song about being a fugitive from ‘therapy!’ I’m also self-conscious of the quotes, of the air quotes I use in the videos I’ve been making of myself singing this song or songlet or some kind of work-in-progress or work-completed or play (as in not work!) I’ve been writing – all because of some kind of thing I saw on ‘Disjointed’ in which the Tae Kwon Do instructor Tae Kwon Doug is made fun of and called a big, bad name for using air quotes! Oh, help me! Where would I be without my beloved air quotes? I’d be uneducated! I’d be pre-university! I may have hated the University of Maryland and been depressed my entire time there – but at least I got some air quotes out of it! I LOVED it when this one professor used it! It was the MOST amusing thing that happened in that entire class, by far! It’s the ONLY thing I remember from that whole semester! It’s the ONLY thing that made going to class worthwhile! Who was that teacher, anyway? I don’t remember! Only her short hair and air quotes do I remember – how refreshing, ah! How beautiful! Like sign language. Something I could watch instead of listening to … something for my eyes to do! I LOVE watching – um, you know, only certain! – deaf (or Deaf!) people. Okay, specifically two! One was my friend’s cousin’s boyfriend who I saw at that yoga class upstairs after the restaurant closed in Osaka, Japan, and the other was the guy at I don’t want to say exactly where since it’s kinda close to here and much more recent but … you know, that guy! The one who got me to go to Gallaudet to try to get an ASL dictionary – a mission at which I most miserably failed! How funny, I went there with that other guy, the … Chinese-ish (like, Chinese parents, born in New York) guy who later said he thought it was good we’d stopped hanging out cuz we could’ve gotten in trouble, which really means I guess that he could’ve gotten in trouble since he was married, which really means I guess he was trouble for me that I didn’t realize – and, sigh, he was so cool to me! He ran all over New York when he was there just to get me that missing charm for my TokiDoki backpack, by which I mean he got me a charm I like to replace the one I didn’t like – the one with the skull that creeped me out that I’m still thinking of sending to my friend who likes that kind of thing. My God, I have known so many people! I just feel disconnected from all of them, now that I have ‘moved in’ with my mom or whatever – or maybe it’s more that it’s since my cousin told me with the feeling of black smoke coming out of her mouth just like on ‘Lost’ to listen, to listen, to listen to her very carefully …. She told me she’d loved growing up with me, being friends with me, but that going forward we could not have a relationship, that she was in a very different place now, followed by a sickeningly cheery ‘but Good luck!’ and immediately after that somehow three of my longest and best friendships ended, and I just haven’t been the same since … and no one knows, except maybe my mom, who I came to for protection after that! Well, first I drove through that terrifying, deadly storm for six hours outdriving it since there was no place for me to stop anywhere between Austin and Someplace Dusty, New Mexico – God, I used to do so many things! Wow, I used to go so many places! My God, I used to feel so safe out in the world! I used to be … ME! What happened to me? Who happened to me? When and how and why did I begin to be able to sense the blackness inside people? Why did I have to hear that when my cousin talked? I mean the other one – the one who is just filled with blackness, who eats a lot to keep it inside, who doesn’t let it out in the form of smoke or at all … I mean, unless she does! Why did I have to be able to all of a sudden feel the blackness inside my childhood friend – the one who, yes, also eats to keep it inside?! Why did I have to be able to become aware of these things? What is the good in it? Is there any good in it? How is this the result of healing? Why is healing called a journey? Why isn’t everyone on this or a similar journey? What will happen if I make this public, as I am imagining doing? Why is it that of all things, the thing that made N.Y.C. guy (I don’t know what to call him!) stop talking to me immediately when I said ‘Crabs are my friends – and I don’t eat my friends’ What was it about that? Was it the words? Was it my energy? Was it somehow me thinking of that memory of that day – the day I first got my period, while visiting and staying with my grandparents in the Bronx, when we – my grandmother and best-friend and I – went to the beach and that’s when I found out I wouldn’t be allowed to go into the water past my knees and so I and my friend too I guess built a sand castle and there were these cute little crabs running around and I got some to live in the castle? Was it that he felt condemned by me? Was it that he thought I valued his food as my friends more than I valued him? Was it that it was too big of a cultural difference? Was it that that was somehow his first real clue and cue that we were really different? I have no idea! I have always wondered …. It’s so sad, knowing he was married unhappily, and they had just had a baby together …. Sigh …. Maybe he was and would’ve been unhappy anyway – married or unmarried, who knows? Maybe he just didn’t like living in Bethesda. He was such a settler! He settled for this, he settled for that. I did really like him! I still do! I wish I could know what’s going on with him but he doesn’t want to tell me; it’s weird for me because I am just so open! Sigh …. It was fun hanging out with him at the Farmers Market. I did it enough people thought I worked there and offered me a discount …. It was cool that time when on my supposed way to Australia to perform at that festival (Adelaide Fringe!), I saw someone I knew and my mom finally got to meet her, too! It was cool when I used to know people! It was cool when I used to go out in the world and it’s been years now! I had this great online community, that was so so recently taken away from me – and now I’ve been doing this one-on-one spiritual writing program and have written more than 30,000 words in less than a week – all while going out and doing all kinds of things away from the computer! It’s been GREAT! It’s been great – but and yet I feel terrible …. My heart is just about to BURST! I might be doing my BEST but I am feeling my WORST!

GREAT!

BURST!

BEST!

WORST!

See, this is how a poem is written!

At least with my words I’m always smitten!

By the writing bug I’ve long been bitten!

I’m as cute as Bernie in his mittens!

Actually, my very cool embroidered Ukrainian bag is from a shop named Mitten Kyiv!

It’s so weird and cool to connect with my grandmother now that she’s gone ….

Perhaps sharing this publicly is an example of extroverted introversion?

Well, I sure reached more than my 2,000 word quota for the day, thank goodness!

It was five thousand words the first day and I didn’t make it – it took me three days –

So I guess he started letting me off easy … lowering my daily quota to a mere but not measly 2,000!

I feel that cardamomed coffee running through my veins …. I feel the heartbeat in my feet!

I do feel this frequently! I feel the dryness in my mouth. I feel the tightness in my muscles.

I feel the longing in my limbs.

I stretch my fingers!

They are very limber!

Not as much as Moshe’s who’d fallen on his hand so it bent backwards and he loved showing it off! I mean, his fingers on that hand bent all the way back to touch the back of it! He could balance a broom on his nose or his chin, he showed and taught me how to do a headstand against the door, my head on his tile porch in the always-bright-and-now-so-so-missed sun! It was so FUN seeing him at the airbase that time when we went with my class and I was the only one who knew anyone! How funny! I mean, me who had only ONE friend in my class – I was the only one who could say ‘Hi’ to someone out there on the tarmac or whatever! Ha ha! Moshe also always kept candy in that room in the house that was closest to ours, where he taught me to not only make airplanes but also about aerodynamics …. He was such a COOL neighbour! It was so cool seeing him that time when I went back – I SO wish I had done that again! I want to see all the people from my past! I want to and the so-called ‘world’ is just so vast! I tried writing to people such as my babysitter Maya from back then and … never heard back! Ha ha! The world is whack! A slap on the back is what I could use – I mean, who couldn’t? Couldn’t you? Understand, though, I don’t mean that literally! It would be very nice if we were to meet, if you would not hit me! Thank you for your understanding! 

2:00 exactly on the dot! On the nose! A.M.! My initials! Did you even by any some perchance notice? EDT! 30th June, 2022 – 26 days to go until my birth-day! I want to accomplish something, so it’s a real relay!

Oh, I’m in and have written this in the Ville of Rockets, in the Land of Merry, in the Yes, in the es that is You and Yay, too!

(77 pages reached – magical number!)

This is exactly how I write! I feel so vul-ne-ra-ble sharing it! Should I?
Here goes … ! :-D
(Wait! If I wait a magical seven minutes, I can publish it at Sadhana time!)

My second Samchykivka attempt — this another linden leaf:

The view from the storage space parking lot at the end of tonight’s visit
(My mom said it looked like it wasn’t in America — which I took to be a great compliment! Of course, that was a much smaller, on-the-phone’s-screen version — and maybe it wasn’t exactly this photo, but one I took right before it! What do you think? I mean, does it look like this was taken in America? I think now that it is larger, it does …. ) :

The only ‘Fugitive’ video I could upload!